introvert.

Postin'. So this time, it's hit me pretty hard and I've been getting pretty crappy advice. I feel like I need a new outlet and every new one I try seems to have no electrical currents. Think this makes no sense? It's about to get a lot worse.

Since Friday, I have not been able to collect myself. My irrational fears are once again at play and no matter what I do, I can't seem to kill this spider. I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if my goal falls into a pit full of scarabs? What am I to do then? Create a new goal? I don't want to. I don't think I can. I've changed my mind so many times that it feels like I've run out of everything. The rope is running out and I can't find anymore to extend it. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I suck at being an introvert and instead drown my own problems in the problems of other people. In fact, it makes me very happy to fix other people's problems and just to see how happy they become when I can fix them. But at the end of the day, I have no one who can help fix me. I have no one who can even tolerate me until I pull out of this hole. How sad is that?

I find it quite obnoxious that I can tolerate the world, not matter how childish; yet no one can tolerate me for more than 20 minutes of it. Instead, they tell me it's irrational. Why thank you for pointing out the obvious, that's exactly what I needed. I really needed to talk to YOU so that you could point out what I already know. That's clearly extremely helpful. Or, instead of being a friend, please tell me I need a shrink and antidepressants. That's another way to go. The coward's way out because you can't be "man" enough to help me yourself. Thank you, this is exactly why I have friends. Please continue to make me feel worse about myself. The fact that you tell me that I set unrealistic goals and I should leave room for error. That's exactly helpful. Help me, that's why I'm talking to you. I want you to help me. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. But inside this tough girl exterior, is someone who wants a helping hand. I may never admit it out loud, but I really do. I need that helping hand, why won't anyone stretch it out? Did I all of a sudden become boring? Uninteresting? Did I miss the memo? Because I thought I really was quite the puzzle. 

Well, what can I say? I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. What do you presume I do?

Stop Pressurin' Me, Makes Me Want To Scream

It's funny that when I look back at posts from Novemeber, the same problems have seem to come around yet again. It's quite a tragedy when people cannot grow and learn from their mistakes. And if their were no mistakes, learn from situations and handle them differently the next time around. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. Most people have an issue with looking at themselves critically and trying to adjust and mature. It's not to say that one should change themselves completely, but that one should know how to analyze and adjust. It's like writing a paper, there seems to always be a better way to structure your sentence or a more scholarly way to say a phrase. The same is with each individual person. We are created to grow and change and adjust, that is the marvel of the human race. There should be adaption and understanding and when one can't adapt, they become extinct. That is the way of nature, thus that is the way of society, or of any relationship (romantic, friendship, or otherwise).

On another note, humans cannot always be like animals. If there is a weaker animal in the herd, not all humans will leave them behind to die. The ones who stay and try to aid the weakest in survival are few and far between, but they exist. Some, on the other hand, become hardened and feel no emotion as one of their heard is threatened by a lion. Others feel remorse but do not turn to look back, looking out for their own self interest. It is the mother theresa of the herd which sometimes may be weak, but overall, is the strongest of the herd. They may not have ever hunted, or may not have felt the pain of being bitten by the tiger, but they understand and can feel empathy so great that the same emotions can be transferred into them. It is a rare but powerful gift, and those who appreciate it are the ones who can reap the most rewards from it. Again, though, that generally is not the case.

We must all make our own mistakes to learn, most of the time. But Eleanor Roosevelt teaches us that you should "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." In essence people should reap the rewards that they have the ability to make their own mistakes that are different from those of the past so that history will not repeat itself. If one learns and understands their history, they will create a new and brighter future from themselves full of new opportunity rather than broken records. Maybe you will take this knowledge to heart, or maybe you will find that I am right but ignore it because you don't feel it applies to you. But whatever you do, know that it is your decision and you must suffer with the consequences. Just remember to look at yourself critically, not to hate yourself and look at yourself in negative light, but ask yourself "how can I be the best that I can be and do all that I am capable of?"

For today, those are the words of the wise; or at least the one who is delusional enough to think maybe she is wise. Who knows, apparently my theories are discredited because I understand through observation. But the problem is, I study people, and I understand them so well that I know their actions and I know the outcomes before they happen. And when they happen as so, we I suppose I win. Although generally, my winning results in some negative occurrence towards myself, so it really isn't winning at all.

Ice my cake, please

So tonight was a really good night. Been a long time since I've had a nigh quite like this where not even for two seconds was I ever bored. Aside from feeling nauseous from sparkling cider, great great night including winning at scategories and lips!

Yup =] Just wanted to remember a little bit about this night. And now I'm watching Heroes!

Just wanted to say this is TOTAL bullshit and I'm damn tired of all the drama. Yes this is high school drama (never thought I'd agree) and people need to learn how to grow the fuck up, NOW.

Maybe sick to rain on my parade?

Oh shit. My nose was stuffy this morning and my aunt has had pig flu all week. SHIT! So I've started drinking my blue juice in hopes of killing it before it starts. Unfortunately, I'm dizzy so now I wonder if I started too early especially since I'm nauseous. No pig flu please!

Just a side note

This whole closure thing doesn't work when you get a little jealous of friendships. UGH. I can't watch will & grace anymore, I want a gay bff =[ And I've had nobody puts baby in the corner stuck in my head alllllllll night combined with Taboo by Koda Kumi (thanks Frankie and Teresa). Oh dear =/

Also I think I went insane Thursday night. Watched jeopardy with Teresa then decided to jump in my car and drive an hour and a half to kareoke for the night. Which didn't end up happening and instead went to denny's for two hours and fell asleep at 1:30 even though everyone didn't go home until 4:30. I'm so old!! I'm spontaneous but not that bad. I think it has something to do with someone thinking I looked like Frankie's mom because I looked so miserable at their birthday party and now I'm being told my greatest asset is worrying really made me feel like a change was needed. So I changed and became spontaneous. Well, since it failed I think I'm done being that extreme, but at least I'm trying to not worry as much and be more easygoing! Hopefully this'll work because I love adventuring. Ugh, this not is just a mess of ideas, go with it. I'm too lazy and sleepy to put it in any sort of context.

Sonata in C Major

It's time to open a new chapter because the old is devoid of original ideas. It's a mix of feelings in which I feel I should press on and try to resolve those conflicts but also I feel like I'm just consistently picking a scab that will never heal. Of course this scab will leave a scar, and of course I've learned my lesson for the next 3 years when time will most likely present me with a similar situation and I'll think "no no no, this one must be different, I've learned how to make it different" and yet it will go differently, this I am sure of. However, it will end much the same like the past two have ended and I will be writing much again as I have been writing here. So time for my traditional letter of closure to a friend so that I can begin on a new chapter of happiness and progress and vertical movement.

Dear friend of the past,

I would like to inform you that our time together has very much ended. As dear as you were to me, we no longer can go on with this constant war that has begun. I'm not entirely sure what happened, maybe the distance hardened us, maybe you were afraid, maybe I was too overbearing in my ideas but regardless the friendship we once shared is tarnished. I'm not sure it can ever be fixed but I am sure that I'm tired of trying. I don't bode well with one-sided relationships(in the most broad sense of the word) especially since I know they fail. So I am not throwing in the towel but I am done trying to understand because clearly I won't ever if we never communicate and you are never honest. So here is to the past is past and welcome to the future, hope it's as bright for you as I am making mine for me.

-Sincerely,
you're strong and progressive expatriot