introvert.

Postin'. So this time, it's hit me pretty hard and I've been getting pretty crappy advice. I feel like I need a new outlet and every new one I try seems to have no electrical currents. Think this makes no sense? It's about to get a lot worse.

Since Friday, I have not been able to collect myself. My irrational fears are once again at play and no matter what I do, I can't seem to kill this spider. I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if my goal falls into a pit full of scarabs? What am I to do then? Create a new goal? I don't want to. I don't think I can. I've changed my mind so many times that it feels like I've run out of everything. The rope is running out and I can't find anymore to extend it. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I suck at being an introvert and instead drown my own problems in the problems of other people. In fact, it makes me very happy to fix other people's problems and just to see how happy they become when I can fix them. But at the end of the day, I have no one who can help fix me. I have no one who can even tolerate me until I pull out of this hole. How sad is that?

I find it quite obnoxious that I can tolerate the world, not matter how childish; yet no one can tolerate me for more than 20 minutes of it. Instead, they tell me it's irrational. Why thank you for pointing out the obvious, that's exactly what I needed. I really needed to talk to YOU so that you could point out what I already know. That's clearly extremely helpful. Or, instead of being a friend, please tell me I need a shrink and antidepressants. That's another way to go. The coward's way out because you can't be "man" enough to help me yourself. Thank you, this is exactly why I have friends. Please continue to make me feel worse about myself. The fact that you tell me that I set unrealistic goals and I should leave room for error. That's exactly helpful. Help me, that's why I'm talking to you. I want you to help me. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. But inside this tough girl exterior, is someone who wants a helping hand. I may never admit it out loud, but I really do. I need that helping hand, why won't anyone stretch it out? Did I all of a sudden become boring? Uninteresting? Did I miss the memo? Because I thought I really was quite the puzzle. 

Well, what can I say? I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. What do you presume I do?